As long as blood courses through your veins, your son will be a physical part of you. Part of what created him runs through you.
I don't know if you will ever find the inner peace to accept him not being with you or the answer that you seem to be searching for.
You will travel and see beautiful creations and the wonder of nature and maybe think of a creator and thank him for the great one of a kind wonders you see.
You should thank him also for giving you the chance of being the creator of someone who you loved so much and the wonderful memories of all the good times you and your son shared.
It is obvious from your recent posts that this is a bad time of year for you.
But I think you should try to dwell on the good memories and try to think happy thoughts of the beginning, and the years of growing, and becoming a man, and what he became in the time he had and how proud he was to be your son.
I am in no way trying to be caustic or say anything to offend you. I know it can't be easy.
People who follow your posts and look forward to the next one care about you.
Tomorrow is not quaranteed to any of us. We must cherish the good days, past and present, instead of dwelling on the bad.
Your blog is a human interest story with lots of feeling and anyone who cares about their fellow man can't help but get involved with your writings and wish you the best.
I don't get involved much with online people's personal life experiences.
But I kind of stumbled onto this site and read your posts and realized that this is a person who is giving all of us an honest look into his life and sharing thoughts, dreams, sadness, and daily life experiences.
I commend you for being so open and honest and letting us be your online friends.
I had my wife start reading your posts and she had to quit. Some of them made her cry. Now she just asks "how is Ara and Spirit doing? I hope they're ok".
Remember, there are holes in the floor of heaven.
For folks to look down through.
Lance doesn't want to see you sad and hurting.
He wants to see you happy, doing what you want to do, chasing Spirit around, and seeing you smile when you think of the days you shared.
And he can see himself still coursing through your veins and saying, "We are still together Dad. Maybe you can't see me. But I'm always with you. Lets have some fun and enjoy life as best we can".