Post your Jokes in the Joke Thread

[Tri2Fly]

.

[Helmetdance]

Slightly on the political side, but I couldn't resist.




New international symbol for gasoline

[RussNStockton]

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender who is polishing glasses says, "hey we have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper responds, "Really, you have a drink called Kevin?"

[RussNStockton]

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and asked for a drink.

The bartender says, "ok, I will serve you, but don't start anything in here."

[RussNStockton]

Sven and his wife Olive of 30 years, was feeling very romantic one evening in their livingroom.

Soon kissing led to oral sex.

Sven: "Olive, you are a bit dry down here."

Olive: "Sven, move up you be licking the carpet."

[motorgirl]

Oooh...RussNStockton, those first two needed rim-shots after them!

[nanskip]

HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:
Motorcycle wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[motorgirl]

HIS DIARY:
My wife isn't acting like her usual self. I had been hangin with my bros all day, watching sports...but I had made plans to meet her for dinner. When I got to the restaurant, she seemed a little distracted and I thought it was because I was a little late, but the game went into extra innings and I figured she would understand. Well, during dinner she didn't start any conservations, which is weird so I asked her how her day went, she shrugged and kept eating. So then I suggested we leave and go home and "cuddle" (which she loves), she just looked at me and got ready to leave. On the ride home she just looked out the SUV window, never telling me how to drive or to watch out for my speed.

We got home, I left my shoes by the front door, my jacket on the floor and the toilet seat up after taking care of my "needs". She looked at me, said she was tired and went upstairs to bed. I figured now was the time to cuddle and... When I got upstairs after watching the 11 o'clock news sports scores she was already asleep. I'm worried there is something wrong between us!

HER DIARY:
Bike wouldn't start today, husband hasn't changed...no sex for him tonight!

[RussNStockton]

An ugly biker walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head."

__________________________________________________ __________________

A guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge biker standing next to him.

The biker sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says,

"7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch johnson, testicles 3 lbs each and Turner Brown".
The little guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The biker kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him.

He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The biker says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch johnson, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The little guy said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"

[RussNStockton]

Q: How can you tell that a BMW rider and his passenger are having an affair?

A: Their jackets don't match yet!