Post your Jokes in the Joke Thread

[norsseman]

Health Club . . .



An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...


He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"


The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......








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[norsseman]

Boobs and Willies...



You will like this one!!!

Boobs vs. Willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry'.







This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,

'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

A Christmas tree?'







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Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration











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[norsseman]

Who enjoys it most?


A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"


"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?"









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[norsseman]

One of the better jokes of 2011



TEACHER ARRESTED BY TSA...



A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.


'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle'.


When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.









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[norsseman]

Two mischievious boys...


Two mischievious boys...



Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents
know if any mischief occurs in their town,
the two boys are probably involved.


The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town
had been successful in disciplining children,
so she asked if he would speak with her boys.


The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning,
with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.


The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"


The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger
in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"


The boy screamed & bolted from the room,
ran directly home & dove into his closet,
slamming the door behind him.


When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"



"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"







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[norsseman]

[norsseman]

The other day I had two Harley Riders ride up to go fishing in the lake. I rented them a boat and sent them on their way. About three hours later they came back in with a pile of fish. I really wanted to know where the fish were caught so I could catch me a mess but didn't want them to know my plans. HR #1 came in the bait house and informed me they would be back tomorrow. "How are you going to find the same spot again", I asked. " HR #2 marked the spot," he replied. HR#2 came into the bait house and HR#1 asked him how he marked the spot. "Simple, I took a red magic marker and put a big X on the side of the boat," he replied. HR#1 exploded, "That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.



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What if we can't get the same boat tomorrow?

[norsseman]

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"








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[norsseman]

Longe Ranger, Silver and Tonto on a Hot day...


The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to have a drink drink.


A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black,



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"Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"








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[norsseman]

Old Men Are Nicer.....

An old guy was in Costco the other day, pushing his shopping trolley
around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.

He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old,

tall, with long blonde hair,


green eyes,

long legs,

bigg boobs,


she's wearing tight white short shorts,


a halter top and no bra,

with pokey nipples.


What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old men are helpful like that....









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