Post your Jokes in the Joke Thread

[norsseman]

Blonde Police Recruits...


Three blondes were all applying for the last available position with Hampshire Police Constabulary.

The officer conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The officer got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be in the police, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now,"
He said,
"did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said,
"Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The officer shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The officer then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,

"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The officer put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The officer turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said,
"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
" The officer frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"



The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooooooo!



With only One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."








~

[norsseman]

Medical Update . . .


All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name..


Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.


Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen..


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.





After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.


Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.




Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra
will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..


It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.


Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.


Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.



This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[HalB]

A Fairy Tale for Men

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Princelived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinnylong-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars andwent to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beerand Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child supportor alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and atespam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never gotcheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thoughthe was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and leftthe toilet seat up. The end.

[norsseman]

Beggars...


Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding
the Star of David.


Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put
money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

A priest comes by. He stops to observe the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross, but none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star
of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a
Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't
going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of
you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a
Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of
spite."

Then the priest walked away.

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."









~

[norsseman]

Three Dogs in the Vet's Office...



Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said,



" So why are you here ? "



The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.



But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."



The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"



"Gonna cut my nuts off "came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."



The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here? "



The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."



"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.



"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.



The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"



"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."



The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"





The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"












~~~

[norsseman]

Nursing Home Hot Romance...



Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home..


Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.


One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.


After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks,
'Do you know what I miss most of all?'


She asks, 'What?'


'Sex!!' he replies

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'



'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'


Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet Secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.


Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed,
Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.


She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!


Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel
have that I don't have?'



~






~









Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

[norsseman]

At the Bar a Good Lookin Woman...



Having already drank a few cups of Tea, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says:


"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, on the ground, on a boat, on tea leaves, on a motorcycle, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, in the Ocean, drinking tea, it doesn't matter to me.
I just love it." !

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds,



"No kidding. I'm in Congress too.

What party are you with ?"







-----

[norsseman]

Fiddler at the dance...



This old man was playing the fiddle at a barn dance.


He was sitting on an old pickle barrel and his pants zipper was unzipped. While playing the family jewels fell out and were hanging down in the barrel.


An old lady observed all of this and felt obligated to tell him what had taken place.


She went up to him and said, "Do you know your zipper's unzipped and all of the family jewels are hanging in the pickle barrel"? . . . . .



*



*


The old man said, "No lady, but if you can hum it I'll play it".

[norsseman]

Milkman and the Blonde...


A blonde left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.


The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."


The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"


The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it in my eyes."









~~~

[norsseman]

American Beer...




This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.


"Doc, I think my tool is just too damn small," he says.


The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.


Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused
.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."


Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.


He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.


"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.





~


"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"









~