Post your Jokes in the Joke Thread

[norsseman]

Drunk in Bar restroom...



A drunken Newfoundlander gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A
few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom.

Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another
loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring
my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs
the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and
squeezes the hell out of menuts."


The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[CRASH]

ATGATT

[norsseman]

Internet Intercourse...

***** stars.



Daddy, how was I born? "Well, son, Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: . . . . . . . You got Male!!











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[norsseman]

Horny Husband...

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear:

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


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[norsseman]

Two Nuns on a bicycle.....


2 nuns were riding a tandom bicycle down the old streets of Italy.

They were in a hurry to get back to the church so some short cuts were made.

The one nun leans up and says to the other, 'I never came this way before'.

The nun leans back and whispers, 'its the cobblestones!'



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[norsseman]

Drunk and a Pumpkin...


Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous. In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.


On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) Courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his p urpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? s*** ... is it midnight already?'

This was in the Washington Post ... the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

[ShACEdow]

Originally Posted by CRASH

ATGATT

this that they mean by "brain bucket"?

[norsseman]

Bob and the Blonde...

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"



Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."



Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money.





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[norsseman]

The agony of dyslexia.....



After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his ***** with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"







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[norsseman]

Judge Asks. . .


A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"



She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."



"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."



He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."



"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."



"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."



Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"



"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me..







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