Post your Jokes in the Joke Thread

[npj25]

"Harlen, I want you to buy me a divorce," the big Texan boomed to his attorney. "That wife of mine ain't behavin' right. She's MY woman and she's supposed to do what I say."
"Well, R.J., a wife isn't exactly property, you know," the lawyer said. "You don't own her the way you own an oil well."
"Maybe not," R.J. conceded, "but I damn well oughta have exclusive drilling rights."

[Flying-D]

A teacher asks her grade four students if anybody had anything for show and tell. Little Julie stands up and says "Bobby and I saw a dead cat on the way to school this morning".
The teacher told her that perhaps the cat was not actually dead but sleeping in the sunshine. "Nope. It was dead. Bobby pissed in its ear and it didnt move".
The teacher, somewhat stunned, said "Um...pardon me?"
"You know...Bobby got good and close to the cats ear and said 'Pssssst'"

[motorgirl]

Thanks everyone...you just made me laugh during a not so great day at work!

[motorgirl]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Taylor retired, Mrs. Taylor insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to K -Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Taylor was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Taylor was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Taylor received the following letter from
her local K -Mart.

Dear Mrs. Taylor,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Taylor are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on laya-way.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,
K -Mart.

[Swankster]

"Ahh Kids"
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00
WHEN
The postal authorities received the letter to God, USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC., and those B-#*$^&- deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Swankster

[Tomcat101147]

-------------------------
A Blonde's Year in Review
-------------------------

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C"....isn't it?

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound - I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911.... "duh"....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

[Shotgun]

Girls Night Out-

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.



I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margarita's went down way too easily.



Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.



Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.



Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.



I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.



(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 Cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... He didn't seem mad in the least.



Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo Clock.

"

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "Oh shit", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!!!

[Sbyllek]

[CybrDva]

I'll probably get beat up... but here goes:

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter: 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a Professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

hahahahaha! Actually, my dad used to tell me blond jokes all the time that I'd share with my college roommate who happened to be blond, one day after returning from a weekend at home...and telling her all the latest blond jokes from dad, she says: "What's brown, and black and blue all over laying dead in a ditch?" I said what?? She said, a brunette from telling too many blond jokes!

[bosozoku]

The 10 minute management course



Lesson #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself securely in a large bathtowel, then runs downstairs to answer the door.

When she opens it, there stands Bob, their next-door neighbor.

Before she can say word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking about it for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob...after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800, thanks her for the view, and leaves, whistling happily.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks her, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob, the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great!,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson #2

A priest offers a Nun a lift back to her convent after church service one morning.

She gets in his car, crosses her legs, inadvertently forcing her gown to hike up and reveal a lot of leg.

The priest's eyes pop out, and they nearly have an accident due to his distraction.

After re-establishing control of the car, he stealthily slides his hand up her leg.

The nun quietly says, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

Thinking about the Psalm she mentioned, trying desperately to remember it, the priest removes his hand. But, changing gears a few moments later, he let his hand slide up her leg to rest gently on her knee as before.

Once again, the nun says, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologizes: 'I'm so sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.' He puts his mind back to driving, regretting the lost opportunity that might have been...

Arriving at the convent more than an hour later, the nun sighs heavily, thanks him for the lift, and goes on her way.

On his return to the church, the priest rushes to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson #3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

Just like in Aladdin's tale, they rub it, and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'For letting me out, I'll give each of you a wish. Anything you can imagine will be yours.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Poof! She's gone!.

'Me me me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'

Poof! He's gone too!.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. "You get the last one...think very carefully before you ask.'

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson #4

An eagle was sitting on a tree limb, doing nothing, enjoying the rising sun and the morning view.

From below, a small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not?.'

Reassured by the eagle's words, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, kicked back, and dozed in the sun. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson #5

A turkey was chatting with a bull near a tree in the corner of the pasture.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I just haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, pecked a bit more, and soon found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. The turkey realized that he was on to something.

Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. It was glorious...the sun felt really great, and the view was delightful.

He was promptly spotted by the farmer checking the field, who went back to his truck for his shotgun, came back and shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was late flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large ice covered field.

While he was lying there, dying from exposure, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was now.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy, happy that his life was spared.

A passing cat hears the bird singing, and wanders over to investigate.

Carefully following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of steaming cow dung, dug him out, and then promptly ate him for breakfast.

Morals of the story:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!.


THUS ENDS THE TEN MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE