Post your Jokes in the Joke Thread

[Bandit12]

3 men died and were on their way to heaven. They rang the doorbell and St. Peter answered.
"I'm sorry guys, but we're full right now and we can't take anymore people in."
The 3 men begged him to let them in so St. Peter made them a deal.
"Whoever has the best death story will enter heaven."
They agree and the 1st guy begins to tell his story.
" I have been suspecting my wife of cheating so I come home early from work. She answered the door naked so I was furious and began looking for the guy. I checked everywhere and nothing. Then I heard some noise at the balcony and sure enough he was hanging there. I grabbed the bat and began beating him with it. He fell 7 stories and LIVED!! I went to the kitchen and pushed the fridge on top of him. I realized that I forgot to let go of the fridge so I died."
St. Peter said "That was ok, but I think you got a better one."
The 2nd guy begins his story
" I was washing some widows on the 8th story of a building when I suddenly fell. Luckily, I grabbed a ledge on the 7th floor. Suddenly, a man with a bat came out and began hitting me with it. I fell and somehow i lived. When i looked up, I see the same moron falling with a fridge on me."
St. Peter laughed and said" That's better, how about you? What's your story?"
The 3rd guy response is "Imagine being naked in a fridge."

[MEL]

Why men should not take messages!

[Gone D]

Why don't Harley riders wave?

They are afraid they will spill their beer.

[MEL]

Well it's that time of year again

[moriarty]

In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day:

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance,' she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

[HalB]

Maybe the thread is dead, but here is a motorcycle joke. Lame I admit, but you can tell your kids.


Q: Why do motorcycles fall over when you let go of them?

A: Because they are two tired.

[norsseman]

Here is an interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote:

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq

Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq .

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington DC.







`

[norsseman]

« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2011, 10:18:57 AM » Quote Modify Remove

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bambi the dumb blonde was in her American History class when she was asked by the instructor:



Bambi, what can you tell the class about Roe vs Wade!



Bambi thought for a moment then said:

*

*




~








~


That's what Washington had to decide when he needed to cross the Delaware!!!

[HalB]

Originally Posted by norsseman

Here is an interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote:

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq

Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq .

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington DC.







`

It's a good story and makes an interesting point. But it is a myth.
"don't believe every quote you read on the internet" Thomas Edison

Just so no-one confuses the facts, the actual death rate from firearms in DC is 31.2 per 100,000. http://www.statemaster.com/graph/cri...te-per-100-000

Here are the stats on military deaths from hostile and non hostile causes:
http://www.dtic.mil/cgi-bin/GetTRDoc...f&AD=ADA518921

I figure 388 deaths per 100,000, but I'm not a statistian (93.5% of statistics are made up).

At any rate too many people are being shot in the streets of DC, and it's dangerous being in Iraq.

Now if we are looking at real statistics consider this: There are 72.34 fatal per 100,000 registered motorcycles. So statistically speaking you are safer joining a drug gang in DC than riding your bike!!! This is not a joke!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motorcy...htsa-810-990-0

[norsseman]

Being Politically Correct...


Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an African, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Christian, and an atheist went to a night Club.


~




The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."