email madness

[redzdvl]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

Then the Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,



'Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin"


stolen from a post on VolusiaRiders.com

[Sbyllek]

Rest in peace, Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and planned to have a medical procedure.

Common Sense lost the will to live as churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[cheeseburger]

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every
time).

Law of the Bath : When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.

Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing
face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and
cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what
you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson 's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they
will stop making it.

[Sbyllek]

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

[Beemer bum]

Green Calipers

[Sbyllek]

Originally Posted by Beemer bum

Green Calipers

[myhrdly]

Originally Posted by Beemer bum

Green Calipers

+

[Sbyllek]

(1 ) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

(2) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

(3) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

(4) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

(5) Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

(6) If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

(7) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

(8) Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?

(9) Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

(10) What do you call male ballerinas?

(11) Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

(12) Why are Trix only for kids?

(13) If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

(14) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

(15) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

(16) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

(17) If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him,
is he still wrong?

(18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

(19) If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

(20) Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

(21) Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

(22) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

(23) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?


And... just an afterthought... when you read #21, why did you run through
both songs real quick to make sure?

[Bandit12]

(24) Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways?

(25) Why do we spend a year teaching our children to walk and talk then spend the next 17 years yelling at them to sit down and shut up?


Ray

[dstevens58]

(26) If Seven-Eleven is open 24/7, why are there locks on the doors?